It´s absolutely unthinkable...I mean, it´s all the goodies you
describe, but...
I wonder, when all the conditionings, and deceptions, and programmings,
and lusts, and vain foolishness have been stripped away; how much of the core of ´me´ will be left, and what desires I´d then
want fulfilled.
Barely grasping the responsibilities that we´re given here and now,
and how badly they´re performed; gives me no clue to the unimaginable power and responsibility we´ll have then...
We´ll be happy, that´s promised...it´s just I know how much ´happiness´
is earthly derived...all except for the essentials -- to be wanted, to have a place, to have a function, to be connected...it´s
bound to be extremely simplistic and fantastically complex at the same time.
I guess you´d have to truly understand what you are, to truly know
what you´d want...
And since our limitations aren´t yet overcome, we don´t know what we´ll become; so we won´t know what´ll
melt our butter in the life to come...
Sooner or later the training wheels come off and you're let
go of, to follow without your hand being held. This is where you continue your focus on Him, and your faith now has room to
expand...
This is also where you find out what you're made of. How much of
Him is living in you.
But I always find myself not honest enough. Or not compassionate enough. etc.
I don't beat myself
up about it, but at times I really feel pangs that I don't connect with someone else's sufferings. Sometimes I do, but not
often enough. The same with being honest.
I'm not comparing myself with any standard, at least not comparing to anyone
else. But in my own mind, I know when I rationalize lying as 'saving someone's feelings', or 'being expedient', or 'providing
social lubricant', or whatever.
All I know is that I feel a lack in reaching and being whatever my 'ideal' is. It's nothing
that's delineated in anything written or said, it's more like that feeling of not being what I know I should be, somewhere
inside. An unhappiness with myself at times, trying to convince myself 'that isn't like me, I don't get mad that easily...'
or 'that doesn't sound like me, I'm not that crude...', etc.
It's like I have a built-in tuning rod, and I may not be able
to put my finger on what's wrong, but I sure can tell when I'm not 'in tune' to where I should be.
It's those times when He feels to have been gone, that you really
get your exercise in reaching out...
